"No Soy un Artista"

In one of the many Spanish classes I took during my formative years, we were required to write short bios for historical figures and deliver them to the rest of the class. Instead of dressing in costume, we were to make and "wear" (they were mostly poster board glued to popsicle stick handles) a mask of our persona of choice. One girl shyly held up her mask and announced by way of apology, "No soy un artista" before beginning her speech.

So what? It was a language class after all, right? And yet none of us were immune to the compulsion to compare our skills as "artists," to decide whose mask was beautiful, whose sketchy, whose wretched. It was a competition with all judges and no prize.

So many times, I see my friends and colleagues drawing, for one reason or another, and then apologizing for it. Offering disclaimers: "I'm not an artist." "I can't draw." "No soy un artista."

I started to think that this was what I was supposed to do . . . that this was what I had to do . . . I had no real formal training, no publications, no dazzling portfolio, no proof I was an artist. My work did not look sleek, polished, professional, as-good-as-this-guy's-or-that-guy's, so I ought to be apologizing for it, right? Forgive me. Lo siento. It's not very good. "I can't draw." And the more I said it, the more true it became.

I fell into this habit once more not too long ago, and the gentleman I was speaking to said something along the lines of, "You see, I don't accept that. I hate it when people draw and then say they can't draw." I hated it too. Honestly. Fervently. Passionately. So why had I apologized, yet again, for something that I love to do?

I suppose my desire to stop verbally negating what I create in a visual medium is one of the reasons I've ended up posting so much of what I draw. It's an attempt to step aside, offer what I can do and have done, and do my damnedest not to apologize for not being better. It could always be better. I could always be better. Without the possibility of improvement, what would we artists strive for?